Is It Really Anger, or Is It Something Else?

Hi, I am Dr. Andrea Zorbas, a psychologist from Therapy Now SF. Many people come into therapy saying that they struggle with anger, but often anger isn't actually the root emotion, it's generally just a signal for us.

So today I wanna help you understand what anger may be masking and how to work with it instead of fighting it.

So first off, why anger shows up first for you? Anger is what psychologists call a secondary emotion, and what that means is it often appears after a more vulnerable feeling has already been triggered. Emotions like fear and shame, sadness, or even rejection can feel overwhelming for us or even unsafe. So the nervous system shifts into anger to protect us. Anger creates energy, distance, and a sense of control. And that's why it arrives so fast.

Next, what Anger often covers? Under anger, people commonly find: they fear of being rejected or abandoned or of losing control. Sometimes we feel shame: that is a feeling of inadequate or criticized or even exposed. Sometimes we feel sadness or grief: and that looks like unmet needs, disappointment, or loss. And lastly, hurt: such feelings as feeling dismissed or unseen or invalidated.

Anger basically tells us

"something is wrong."

It doesn't always say what that is.

So what's the nervous system's role? Once your nervous system is activated, logical thinking takes a backseat. Your heart rate rises, your muscles tense, and your mind narrows. And this is why anger can feel automatic and hard to stop in the moment.

Once we understand this, it can help us reduce self blame, and we can know that our reaction isn't a character flaw, it's actually just a stress response.

So next, how do we slow the moment down? So before trying to "fix" anger, focus on the regulation piece: pause your breath, ground your body, create a small gap before you respond. And once that intensity drops, ask yourself:

" what did I feel right before the anger?"

Or ask yourself

"what felt threatened or hurt in that moment?"

These questions can help uncover the real emotional driver.

And lastly, you really wanna respond instead of reacting. So when you can name that underlying emotion, your response changes. Instead of lashing out, you might say: "That hurt more than I expected." Or "I think I felt embarrassed in that moment."

And what this does is it creates clarity, it creates connection, emotional safety, and that's both for you and for the other person.

So if anger keeps showing up to you in ways that feel confusing or even damaging, contact Therapy Now SF. And therapy can help you understand what your emotions are trying to tell you and build healthier ways to respond.