The Narcissistic “Hook” – Why It’s So Hard to Walk Away

Hi, I'm Dr. Andrea Zorbas, a psychologist from Therapy Now SF. People often ask, why can't I walk away from a narcissistic partner? It's a good question. It has nothing to do with weakness. Narcissistic dynamics, create these powerful psychological bonds that are designed consciously or not to keep you attached.

So today I'm gonna explain how those hooks form and how you can begin to break free.

So the first part of this is: love bombing. And love bombing creates an intoxicating start. So at the beginning, narcissists often mirror your dreams, your values, and your ideal qualities. So what this creates is a fast intimacy, it creates intense connection and a sense of being fully and finally understood, and your brain bonds to this early version of them, even when the behavior changes after that.

Next is intermittent reinforcement, which strengthens the attachment. So this comes from behavioral psychology: when affection is unpredictable, when approval is inconsistent, and when the warmth alternates with coldness. Your brain ends up becoming more attached, not less. It's really the same mechanism behind a gambling addiction. So the unpredictability will, unfortunately, release dopamine.

Next, gaslighting and blame end up creating self-doubt. So over time, these subtle manipulations, they'll make you question your memory, they'll minimize your needs and it will lead you to take responsibility for everything. When your confidence erodes, it's gonna make it that much harder for you to leave.

So you bond to the fantasy, not the actual reality. Most people stay because they're holding onto that very early version of the relationship, the one from the beginning. This "hope for return" will keep you emotionally invested long after the dynamic becomes harmful.

And lastly, this emotional exhaustion that's inevitable to happen. It'll lower your capacity to leave. So narcissistic cycles will drain your energy. It makes you tired, it makes you confused, overwhelmed, and unsure of your ability to start over.

So leaving requires clarity and energy, two things these relationships gradually take away.

So if you feel stuck, you are not alone and you're not weak. Therapy can help you understand the cycle and rebuild your confidence and take steps towards emotional freedom.